Lost
by xander1girl
Summary: Ray Barnett falls to the dark side after a tragic loss
1. Chapter 1

Title: Lost  
Author: lj userjensucks  
Rating: FRT for language and adult situations  
Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own anyone…and if I did, they would probably take them away from me for abusing them so much :P  
Spoilers: None  
Content Warning: INCREDIBLY dark and disturbing. MAJOR bad language usage, drug themes and references, violence and character death.

The knife slide easily into my skin, I was almost surprised the first time I did it. Never thought it would go in that well, with barely any pain. I guess fate decided I had enough pain; there was no reason to give me any more. Which was god, it made the stunt that much more easier to do. I had a new band, a lot better then those posers I was hanging with before. Our music was more hardcore, a loud aggressive mix of emo rock and punk. The bassist Jimmy had come up with the idea for me to do stunts on the stage like the punkers of the past, and in my current state, I was more then happy to oblige.

"Good Night! Fuck you all!!" I shout as I throw the blade into the screaming audience and kick the mic stand over causing a loud round of feedback, which only made the crowd cheer harder. As I headed offstage, I wiped my palm across the top of my chest, smearing the blood, but barely even noticing it. As I continue out the back door and into the parking lot, a familiar voice rings out.

"You stupid wanker! What the hell are you doing?"

I stop dead in my tracks and scan the backstage area of the small club, my left hand playing with my gelled up spiky hair, but the face that went with the words wasn't there. Of course she wasn't, there was no way she could be. Not after what had happened…

"Ray, hold on to me." She had said weakly as I held her frail form in my eyes, glancing around the empty parking lot for any sign of the ambulance I had called what seemed like hours ago.

I shook heated tears from my eyes. "I will…I'll never let go I promise…please Neela, stay with me."

Her eyes drooped, I was loosing her and I knew it, knew she was slipping and there was nothing I could do.

"Ray…I…I love…you. I'm...sorry I never got…you never got…" she choked out, her voice barely above a whisper now.

"No, Neela hold on you've got to hold on…just a little longer…Neela…" I could feel her heart rate slowing "NEELA!"

"Who the fuck is Neela?" Johnny asks, standing in front of me now, snapping me out of my haunting memories. "What the hell is the hold-up Ray? We've got a party to go to remember? Drugs, babes and booze!"

I shook my head "I'm gonna have to pass tonight guys…just gonna head home and go to bed…"

Brandon, our drummer frowns at me. "Is this about that chick you usta work with that died again? Common Ray that was MONTHS ago move the fuck on."

I grab him quickly and slam him against a nearby wall, giving him the best punch to the face as I could before dropping him to the floor and giving him a kick for good measure.

"Stay the fuck out of my business!" I shout, kicking him again "You're not my fucking mother don't try and act like you are!" I spat at him, then turned and walked out, ignoring the harsh curses from both Brandon and Johnny, just getting into my car and peeling out of therewith aloud screech, music blasting over my stereo, flooding out the memories of her.

It had been exactly six months today that she had died in my arms. From a racial beating that never should have happened. Those fucking punks, just because I was walking next to her, they assumed we were mixed breeding…that I was helping repopulate the terrorists. But it wasn't me they had gone after. Sure, they had kicked the living shit out of me, held me down and made me watch everything they did to her. Her screams for help, for them to stop and leave her alone echoed in my mind every day. The music helped, the booze and the drugs…but it never lasted, no matter how much I did, her voice always came back.

I reached for an alcohol bottle sitting in my passengers seat, taking a big swing, not knowing or caring what type of liquor I was consuming. It didn't really matter, anything hard would do…for now. The ecstasy we had taken before the show was wearing off, along with the coke I had done solo before I left home, and coming down from that was never easy. My head was starting to throb, and my hands were shaking. The wound on my chest burned as if I was just cutting into the flesh. I pulled over into an abandoned lot and hopped out of the car, glancing around for any signs of cops or people before dashing into the building, and making my way up to the roof. I needed to sleep this off, and I usually did my best sleep out in the open, on the roof of my apartment, this would be an easy substitute.

I kicked the door to the roof open with my foot, digging into my pockets for something, anything to take the edge off, and finding myself with nothing. "FUCKING JOHNNY!" I curse into the night. Asshole had probably taken whatever I had out of my coat. Fucker never bought his own shit, was always takin from everyone else.

"Honestly Ray your so paranoid!" her voice rang out as if she were right there on the roof with me. "No one is going to jump out at us if we walk through this parking lot. It's the fastest way to get back to where we can get a cab…"

"SHUT UP!" I screamed to the imaginary voice as the flash back played in my head "YOU'RE DEAD! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" I stumble and fall to my knees, tears flowing in my eyes now as the images of her brutal beating flash into my head once more. The taunts and jeers of our attackers…it was all too much…and the reason why I had fallen into the world of drugs and alcohol like I had.

I look up at the sky, tears streaming down my cheeks now. "NEELA I'M SORRY!" I shout at the sky "I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU SOONER! I SHOULD HAVE…." I break down, putting my head in my hands and practically lying on the dirty roof. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't live without her…

I rise to my feet, glancing up at the sky again, wiping the tears from my eyes, and the blood from my still naked chest as I shrugged my jacket off.

"I'm coming to you sweetie…" I whisper to the dark cloudless sky "I'll be there soon."

I walk back to the door I had kicked open, leaning against the cool metal for a minute before turning back around and running at full speed towards the ledge, the twelve story drop to the ground. And as I fall, other memories flash into my brain, happy memories of Neela and I back in the ER, in our apartment…working on patients together, falling asleep on the couch watching celebrity poker…

I don't feel it as I make contact with the ground, but I know as I do, I have a smile on my face for the first time in six long months.

I was finally going to get to be with the woman I loved.


	2. Chapter 2

When I awoke again, I didn't see what I had expected to. There were no white fluffy clouds, dudes in sheets and sandals playing harps and flying around on gossamer wings. And worst of all…she wasn't there.

Instead, when I opened my eyes everything was all blurry and sounded loud, but like I was underwater. It was really bright, brilliant white and it hurt my eyes, caused me to close them again and moan. I felt like I had been hit by a truck, like I could barely breathe…was this hell? Was my love for Neela not enough to get me into heaven with her?

"I think he's waking up..." I hear a familiar female voice speak, but it wasn't the one I wanted to hear.

"Ray." A male voice follows "Ray it's Luka Kovac, can you hear me?"

"Luka?" I moan out, my voice sounding so tiny and faraway, scaring me a little more then it should. "What are you doing in hell?"

I hear a female laugh "He works here Ray, we all do…remember? You used to too…"

I frown and open my eyes again to see the blurry forms of Luka and Sam standing over me, the greenish walls of the trauma room blaring with the white light, causing me to shut my eyes again. I was at county, not hell. The fall hadn't killed me…unless my version of heaven was being in the ER of county…with all my friends…with Neela.

"Where's Neela?" I blurt without even realizing what I was saying. My head was all jumbled and cloudy, I had actually convinced myself that I had died, and this was heaven. But it couldn't be…not without her by my side. I open my eyes again just in time to see the awkward glance between them; shooting me back into the reality of the situation…I wasn't in heaven, or hell. That fall hadn't killed me…

Sam takes a breath and sets a hand on my shoulder gently; giving me those sad doe eyes…the same ones she had given me at the funeral, and when I had been told that Neela hadn't made it. I shake my head, tears forming again, glancing over at Luka who looks down at the floor. 

"No…no there's no…I didn't survive that! I couldn't have it was…so high I…" I object, closing my eyes again with a sigh, finding myself seriously depressed now, hearing fate laughing manically at me in my head.

Luka looks back up and nods "You did survive Ray…"

Sam nods and smiles "Yeah it's kinda crazy…you landed on an old awning, it was sturdy enough to hold your weight…then you rolled off. Managed to get away with a broken arm and slight head trauma…your lucky."

I shake my head "No, I'm friggen cursed." I take a breath and look over at Sam, the tears had stopped, and I gave her the most serious look I could muster at the moment. "I didn't want to end up with just head trauma and a broken arm. It wasn't an accident, I didn't FALL off that roof…" I look away and take another breath. "I jumped…cuz I don't…." I shake my head for the millionth time, tears forming again even though I was trying my hardest to hold them back. "I don't want to be without her anymore…" I add with a whisper, unable to look either of them in the eyes anymore.

"Luka…" I hear Sam say quietly, followed by the sound of her pulling him aside. "What are we going to do?" I hear her whisper to him

"Our jobs Sam. Call Psyc down here for a consult. We will inform them of what Ray has told us and he will be held until he can get some help." He replies in a cooled tone

"We can't just give him up like that…he's our friend Luka…he's got problems sure but we can't just let him live out the rest of his life in a Psyc ward." She hisses

"What else do you want me to do Sam?" He asks "Take him home? Baby him? Hope that he snaps out of this? The BEST thing for Ray right now is to talk to Psyc, get some help for his obvious drug problem and HOPEFULLY they will be able to help get him back to how he was."

"But I just think…" she starts, but he stops her

"Sam, you are not his mother, he doesn't need you or any of us to hold his hand. He needs professional help. He's been using countless drugs; alcohol and cutting himself…he tried to kill himself! Nothing we can do will fix that."

I open my eyes and peek their way. Sam looked really upset with Luka's decision, but from her body language and the look she gave him next, I knew she was agreeing with him. I swallowed hard and think about what they were saying as I close my eyes again. I didn't want Psyc…I didn't want help. All I wanted was Neela, and the only way I would get her is to die…why was that so wrong?

I must've fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes next, Sam and Luka were both gone, and I was in a different room, a main room this time, semi private…I had worked on and visited so many people in this room…both alone and with…

"Neela…" I whisper into the darkness

"Actually, it's Archie." A male voice rings out, soon followed by Morris stepping into view, sitting down in a chair next to my bed. "But I am very flattered you think I'm that pretty you ol' softie you." He smiles "How ya feelin buddy? Heard you took quite a fall…"

I shrug and close my eyes again "Been falling for months now…just this time the pavement was there to catch me…"

I open my eyes again in time to see him nodding, glancing around the room nervously. "Well…I really missed you round here man…new guy they have to replace you is a real tool…"

I take a breath and say nothing. He sighs and looks down.

"Look Ray…I'm not usually the type to…be all mushy but…I care about you…really did miss havin you around…I mean, you were always like…the cool big brother I never had…" he stops and frowns "Even though I'm older then you…" he takes a breath "You just…you were the first one around here to treat me like a person, not just a nuisance…you would take me to your gigs and try to hook me up with smoking women. You were the first one to actually sit and let me talk about my kids and my dates…"

He takes another breath and is about to speak again when the door opens, and Pratt walks in.

"Pratt…" I say weakly "Your just in time to hear Morris tell me he's in love with me…"

Morris' eyes go wide "What? No that's not…" he looks to Pratt, then to me "That's not what I was saying Ray…like a brother I said like a brother!

Pratt chuckles and moves his head to indicate Morris to leave. "Your needed on the floor Archie."

Morris sighs and nods, rising from the chair and moving to the door, stopping as he reaches the doorway and turning back. "Good to see your ok Ray…you need anything, page me."

As he leaves, I call back "Thanks Morris but if I need a sponge bath I'd rather call Sam!"

Pratt chuckles again, closing the door behind him and walking over to the chair Morris had just occupied, leaning over the back, not bothering to sit. "So how are you feeling?"

I shrug "Like I jumped off a building."

"Funny…" Pratt comments coolly "Good to know you haven't lost your sense of humour."

I say nothing, turning to look away from him.

"Don't turn away from me!" he bursts loudly, I hear the sound of the chair being tossed into the door. He moves across the bed, forcing me to turn back and look at him.

"You think this is what she would have wanted? You to just give up like this? Push all your friends away to go join some poser band…get into drugs and throw yourself off an abandoned building because you miss her?"

"You don't understand." I say, pushing him away.

"Neela was my friend too…maybe I didn't love her like you did but I cared about her…and I still do. I still think about her everyday I wake up, and every night that I go to bed. What I could have done to save her, to help her…to stop those punks from doing what they did. Just because I wasn't there…no, that makes it worse. You were there Ray, you had the option to help her, and you tried. Me, where was I? Here? At home sitting on my ass watching T.V? While one of my closest friends was lying in a dirty street dying. If that doesn't make me qualified to understand Ray then you tell me what does."

I say nothing, glancing down at the sheets on the bed, trying to tell myself that what he was saying wasn't right; that everything I had done was justified.

Pratt slowly walks across the room and retrieves the chair, bringing it back to my bedside and having a seat, leaning forward elbows on the edge of the bed. "She wouldn't want this for you Ray. She would want you to live your life, try to move on and be happy…not dope yourself up to the point where you feel the need to go skydiving without a parachute. Where you spend a good portion of your young life locked in a Psyc ward just to get over her…she wouldn't want that Ray and you know it."

I remain silent. How could he know what she would want? He wasn't her; he couldn't get inside her head, couldn't talk to her now and didn't talk to her then. We were FINALLY getting to the place I had wanted us to be for months. She had moved back into the apartment with me, we had gone out and hung out…fell asleep in one another's arms countless times. The night she had died, I was going to tell her how I felt, confess it all, and hope to hell we could finally be together. And I know that was what she wanted to…with everything that had happened…the way she looked at me, the way she spoke to me as she began to fade…fate had taken her from me, and I was determined to take her back. I waited so long to be with her, I wasn't going to wait anymore.

I pretended to fall asleep, and soon Pratt was called to help on a trauma. I knew it was late, and I knew this ER. Things were starting to go slow. The day shift were long gone, home to their families…the nightshift were most likely gathered in the break room playing cards like they usually did, giving me the perfect opportunity.

I rise from my bed, head killing me, but I knew I wouldn't feel it soon, and grab my clothes that had been set nearby. I dress quickly and sneak a peek outside the door. Coast was clear, no one in sight.

As I sneak away I realize something important, Pratt was right. Neela would want me to live my life how I always wanted. I had a band we kicked ass…always wanted to be a rock star, why not start there? Make Neela proud of me…live life in true rock star fashion. As soon as I was free and clear of county, I called my supplier, got myself a nice dose of the good stuff, and then called my band. The time for these juvenile crappy performances in people's basements turned clubs was done. We were going to get serious, and we were going straight to the top.

I would stake my life on it.


	3. Chapter 3

As I exit the hospital, the cool wind hits me, causing me to huddle up even tighter under my thin leather jacket, finding myself incredibly grateful that I had grabbed a scrub shirt to wear in absence of my own shirt because it was hella cold out tonight.

"Ray wait!" I hear a voice call my name and I turn to see Pratt jogging towards me. Shaking my head, I bundle myself further into my jacket and shake my head, ignoring him completely. Thinking maybe if I did that, he would just go away. "You can't leave here Ray." He calls again; catching up to me and spinning me back around to face him.

"You are sick Ray, you need treatment, that is the only way you are going to beat this."

I shake my head again. "No Pratt, that is what's going to kill me. Stuck in fucking rehab for what months? Years? Fuck that, I can't live in Neela's memory, I can't make her happy if I'm locked up in some junkie jail cell I won't do it."

"So how do you expect to get on your feet? Get clean?" he asks "On the streets? With your little poser band with groupies and dealers throwing themselves at you? Is that how someone gets clean now a days Ray?" He grips me tighter, trying to pull me back into the ER, but I manage to shove him off, sending him stumbling backwards.

"I don't know how I am going to do it." I reply "But I am going to do it my way Pratt…" I turn and start to walk away, stumbling slightly. It was starting to hit me, the need, the want…but I had to fight it, I had to be strong, show Pratt I could beat it without rehab facilities, without anyone's help.

"So your gonna just quit cold turkey then." He says "Cuz that worked for so many transients before you." I hear him sigh, before he once again catches up tome, grabbing and spinning. But this time I was ready for him. I knee him in the stomach quickly, pulling him so he was leaning forward so I could follow up with a knee to the chin before shoving him backwards into a nearby brick wall, and sliding to the ground.

I stand there now, out of breath, unable to look away from him lying there. What had I done? He was just trying to help me…trying to be a friend, to make me better, and look what I had done to him…oh god, what if I killed him?

I rush forward quickly, kneeling by his side and checking him over. Stomach seemed ok…bruising on the chin but his jaw seemed intact…I moved him away from the wall, and that is when I saw it, red and sticky gleaming from the dim streetlights…blood, a lot of it.

"Fuck!" I curse loudly, frowning and removing my jacket, forgetting all about the bitter cold now as I cupped his head into my hand, using the jacket to put pressure on the large contusion on his head as I lifted him into my arms and headed back inside.

"Help somebody help!" I call loudly as I enter the dark and empty ER. "I have a head contusion and…" I frown as I try to remember the technical lingo I used to use so freely back when I worked here. "Ah fuck it he hit his head and he's bleeding profusely. He needs a head CT and a catscan…and probably something to stop the bleeding…my jacket isn't doing a very good job…"

I was babbling, but loud enough I guess for people to hear. Hope and Sam rush from the break room quickly and to my side, bringing a gurney with them. I lay Pratt on it carefully and we begin to wheel him to a trauma room.

"What happened?" Hope asks, looking him over as Sam shakes him, calling his name softly, to which she gets no response.

I swallow, no need to get into it with them right now. I had a friend in need, and this time I wasn't going to loose them. "He and I were outside…getting some air and he slipped, hit his head."

I remove my jacket from his head and grab some towels from Sam's hands, quickly replacing it and dropping it to the floor. "Sam, get me some local…we need to make him comfortable so I can stitch up his head…"

"Uh Ray…" Sam replies, frowning as I look up at her "Maybe you should let Hope do that…you're not a practicing Doctor anymore…" She was giving me that look again, the pity look, the funeral look…the I'm sorry look…

I shake my head, but Sam grabs me gently, not like Pratt had at all and leads me away. "Let's get you back to your bed ok?" she says softly "Hope and I will take care of Pratt and let you know how he is…"

I shake my head. "No…I want to stay. I want to make sure he's ok…"

She nods again and grabs a chair, dragging it over beside him before busying herself getting the suture stuff together for Hope. I sit there silently, watching Pratt lying there, sleeping silently…I had to stop this crap…but I couldn't do what he wanted, I couldn't go to a facility…

"Dr Barnett…" I hear Hope say softly, snapping me out of my thoughts. I lookup to see her holding out the tray for me with a soft smile, she adds "Why don't you handle this one?"

I look to Sam, who was giving Hope an incredibly dirty look. Hope looks to Sam "Common Sam, he brought him in, possibly saved his life…it's not like his licence was suspended…" Sam nods, saying nothing and I smile, rising from the chair and taking the gloves from Hope, she even remembered my size.

The rest happened so fast…I stitched Pratt up like it had been the millionth one I had done that day, and not the first one in months. Hope and Sam fawned over me and how well I did, how it was good to have me back. They even left me alone to sit with him while they went and got some shuteye, dealt with their rounds.

I had to get better, I had to be the man they thought I could be…and I had to get out of here to do that. I poke my head out of the room to find the hallway empty. Moving quickly, I sneak across the ER to the front doors, grabbing a coat from the guard station and dashing back outside. I had to do this, but on MY terms. They would understand that.

I wonder the streets in a daze. I thought it would be so simple to get back on track after leaving the hospital, but as soon as the cool air hit me, my legs felt like jello and my vision was blurring. What was going on? I felt…a little dizzy but that was usual lately…then it hit me. I had been in the hospital, for how long I didn't know, hooked up to Ivs but still, they didn't give my body what it thought it needed. I collapse into a nearby alleyway, shaking now, finding it incredibly hard to breathe.

"It hurts doesn't it?" a familiar voice sounds from my left. I turn my head, shocked at what I see.

"Neela?" I reply squinting my eyes to be sure they weren't deceiving me.

She nods and kneels in front of me, cupping my face softly. "Shh Ray it's all right, I'm here, I will keep you safe."

I close my eyes and shake my head. "You can't be here…your dead I saw you…I held you in my arms…" I open my eyes to look upon her beautiful features once more, that face, those eyes…I had missed them so much…

She nods sadly. "I know…I had to leave, I didn't want to…but I'm back now…or somewhat." She smiles "Think of me as a guardian Angel of sorts…"

I nod, unable to really comprehend what exactly it was she was saying, my eyes beginning to feel incredibly heavy now. "Go to sleep Ray." She says softly, stroking my hair lightly. "I may not be here straight away when you wake up, but I promise I will come back…"

I nod and curl myself into a ball on the ground, closing my eyes and slowly drifting off to sleep, her fingers still curling through my hair, her soft whispers calming my shakes slightly. I couldn't even feel the cold anymore…


	4. Chapter 4

When I awake early the next morning, she's not there anymore, holding me close, keeping me safe. It's just me in a dirty old alley, using the lid of a trashcan as a pillow. I groan and sit up, the shakes were gone…for now anyways, but I felt like I had been put through a wood chipper. I run my hand through my hair and manage to get to my feet, glancing around to make sure no one was nearby to take me back. There was no back for me now, only forward, and I was going to do everything in my power to see to that. I straighten myself up and head into the street, hailing a cab and giving the cabbie instructions to my apartment before leaning back into the cool pleather seats and closing my eyes. I needed a nap, and a shower…a nice score and then I would call a band meeting.

I fell asleep in the back of the cab, with dreams of Neela and I dancing through my head. More memories then fabrications, the good times we had…some of the bad ones too but all of them seem so stupid now, pointless compared to the biggest bad thing that could ever happen to us, her death. I wake up to the feeling of the cabby's plastic hula dancer from his dashboard connect with my head.

"Get out of my cab you lazy transient!" he spits at me with a thick accent from some Middle Eastern country, which I couldn't pinpoint, I had always sucked in guessing accents, hell I thought Luka was Pakistani when I first met him. The only accent I knew and cared about was hers anyways.

"Did you hear me? Get the hell out of my cab before I call the cops on your dirty druggie ass!" he repeats, throwing an ashtray this time. Thankfully I had recovered enough to duck that out and reach for the door handle, slipping out and yanking my wallet from my pocket, tossing him a couple bills, short on what I owed him but he didn't deserve the whole thing. If I wasn't AWOL from a hospital I would call the cops on him for assault.

He peels off quickly, obviously pissed off, so I flip him off in reply before heading up into my apartment and doing all the things I had said I needed. I strip down right after I close the door, tossing my clothes anywhere, finding myself glad I had kept the whole "hiding the spare key" thing that Neela had me do when she lived with me, otherwise I woulda been bothering my super, and I doubt he would appreciate that at 5am. I yawn as I head for the shower, scratching my naked chest as I turn the water on as hot as it would go and step inside.

Just as I'm standing under the stream, letting the hot water run over my tired cold body, I hear a pounding at my door. I sigh and debate on whether or not to just ignore it until whoever it was went away when the shouting begins too, another familiar voice, female, concerned and scared is enough to get me out.

"Ray I know you're in there! Ray Please answer the door!" Sam's voice rang out through my apartment as I flicked the water off and grabbed a towel, heading to the door and opening it.

She breezes into the apartment, and I shut the door behind her, gripping my towel with my broken arm awkwardly, turning to her confusion written all over my face.

"Sam what's up its 5am?" I say, my voice cracked and tired

"What's up?" She replies confused and slightly angry "Ray you took off from the hospital, I've been looking all over for you. We are all worried…"

I shake my head "I'm fine Sam…I'll be fine. How's Pratt?"

She sighs, "He's fine." She answers "But you clearly are not." She indicates my cast with her head "You're not supposed to get that wet Ray it will ruin the plaster."

I look down at my cast, fingers poking out barely enough to keep my towel up. I had completely forgotten about covering my cast before I showered, was still kinda out of it, half asleep, body still fighting off the powerful need to get high. "Yeah…guess I kinda wasn't thinking…" I say still staring down at my cast.

She sighs again and frowns before kicking off her shoes and walking further into my apartment, heading for the kitchen and rummaging around. "Do you have any plastic grocery bags?" She asks

I nod and reply "Under the sink."

She retrieves a couple and walks back over to me, I switch towel holding hands and she starts wrapping my arm up, tucking the ends of the bag under my cast with a frown as she works. "This place is a mess." She mumbles "After your shower we are going to fix it up you can't live like this…"

"We?" I ask, finding myself even more confused now then I was before

She looks up at me with a 'no duh' expression and nods "Yes Ray. I am going to stay here and help you get better. You won't go to the hospital, the hospital will come to you." She lets go of my cast and steps away, eyeing me as if waiting for something. "Well…lead the way."

I give her a confused look "What? Sam I can shower by myself thanks…" I say as I pull my towel up a little more, as if I only now realized that I was standing there half naked.

She rolls her eyes. "Don't flatter yourself Ray. I'm a professional nurse, specially trained in not taking advantage of helpless patients. So stop being a baby and lead the way to the bathroom so we can get it over with."

I sigh. She was right I was being a baby. There was no reason to think Sam would want anything out of me. She was a friend; she was concerned about me she just wanted to help. I nod and start back for the bathroom with her right behind me, switching hands on my towel again as I reach for the shower knobs to turn it back on. Suddenly, a thought hits me. Why wouldn't Sam want me? I'm not some fat ugly guy, I'm hot I know it, she's hot, I had always noticed that…I start to wonder how she would react if I tried to kiss her, if I undressed her…what was that thing in that Scottish drug movie, about how Heroine killed your libido, and when you got off the smack it came back…well, those guys really did their research.

I drop my towel and step into the shower. Sam grabs my broken arm and holds it outside the shower so it wouldn't get wet as I grab the soap and start to lather my chest.

"You ok with that?" she asks, to which I reply with a short nod. "Ok. You do your body, I'll get your hair." She grabs my shampoo and squirts some into my hair, frowning in disgust "How much gel do you have in here?" she asks, "This is disgusting…"

"It's a mixture of gel and peanut butter." I reply as I rinse off my chest and work on my arms. "It's an old punk trick, only way to get it to stay up perfectly."

"Gross…" she replies as she works the mixture from my hair, tilting my head a little so the soap wouldn't run into my eyes. I hadn't ever notice how caring and gentle she was, no wonder she was such a good mom to that kid of hers, despite his behaviour problems.

I turn to face her, a snide remark about my concoction on my tongue, but instead of coming out and saying it, I stand there dumbly with my mouth half open, watching her frown as she gets the last of the crap out of my hair, and I can't help but notice how hot she looked when she was concentrating on something…god Damnit this was getting ridiculous! And it probably wasn't going to go away anytime soon…not like I could flick on some porn and beat this shit outta my system, Sam made it pretty clear she wasn't leaving anytime soon…so what the hell was I supposed to do?

Without even thinking, I lean forward and kiss her deeply, my brain half confused as to where the idea for that came from, half urging me to continue. She seemed to resist at first, bit I kept kissing her, pulling her closer to me urgently, and by the time I managed to pull her into the shower with me, she seemed as into it as I was. Soon we are no longer in the shower, but my bedroom, with Sam stripped down to just her underwear, my lips slowly traveling across her collar bone and down her neck as we make our way to the bed, my towel long gone, the blood rushing through me, and for the first time since Neela's death, I felt alive.

I get her on the bed, slowly sliding her bra straps down and off her shoulders as I move my kisses to her perky breasts, earning a soft moan of approval from her. God this felt so good…I had been celibate since the accident…groupies had come and gone but I hadn't ever slept with any of them. The hard drugs and my overall apathy kept me from ever going as far as I was now, and now I realized how stupid of me that was. This was what I needed, a good release to break the tension, ease me up a bit…that's how I could get past this, move on until I was ready to see Neela again.

I get Sam's bra undone and toss it to the floor, moving between her breasts and down her stomach now, hands sliding down her sides slowly and seductively until I reach the hem of her panties. I begin to slide the material down her legs as she sits up suddenly, pulling away and shaking her head. "Wait Ray…" she says, doubt filling her voice "We can't do this it's not…your grieving and I am doing…exactly what I said I wasn't going to do…" she pushes me off her legs and moves to get off the bed. But before she could, I roll into her way, sitting up to face her again, cupping her cheek gently.

"Sam you're not taking advantage. I made the first move, I did the seducing…I want this…more then anything I want this…here, now …with you." I lean in to kiss her but she backs away, covering her breasts with her arms and shaking her head again.

"No Ray you think you want this but you don't…all you want is Neela…" She moves away from me again.

I frown and grab her shoulder roughly with my good hand, bringing her back. "No Sam, I want you." I say roughly, having no idea what the hell I was doing, why I wasn't letting her go before this became even more complicated and awkward.

"Last night you tried to kill yourself so you could be with her Ray. You can't tell me that all of a sudden you are over her…" she replies

I shake my head. "No I can't, cuz I'm not but that doesn't mean I don't need to move on. Last night opened my eyes Sam, there's no going back, I can't have Neela…"I lean forward and kiss her, but she resists, pulling away, or trying to before I grabbed her head, forced her into the lip lock with hopes the spark from the shower would return for another round. I lay her back on the bed, and she puts her hands between our bodes, trying to push me off of her, but I'm too strong, even with my injuries and I manage to hold her there, moving my kisses back down her neck once more.

"Ray no…" She whispers "Please Ray just get off me…no Ray…"

But I ignore her cries, running on pure instinct now, on lusty feelings I hadn't felt since I began to over medicate myself with various kinds of drugs to numb the pain, when all along, this was what I needed…how could I have been so stupid? Destroying my body when all I needed was to get myself out and laid.

Suddenly I am seeing stars, and I knew it wasn't for the reasons I wish I was, the pain in my groin was unbearable, and soon a pain in my head followed as I fell backwards off the bed and onto my back on the floor, Sam jumping off the bed and standing over me.

"When a girl says no Ray, she means no." she says angrily, grabbing for her bra which was next to my head, putting it on quickly and glancing around the room, looking for her clothes. What the fuck was I thinking? All I needed was to get laid? And what, hurt the one person who seemed to understand me through this whole thing? That's just great Ray, good job…asshole.

I lay there motionless on the floor, eyes closed listening to her pick up her clothes and what was left of her dignity and storm out. The apartment gets eerily quiet and I know she is gone, and I will probably never see her again…unless it was to hear her testify in court about how the cracked out junkie musician attacked her. I sigh, my good hand moving to rub my stomach where she had kneed me, only to discover that despite everything that had just happened, nothing had changed in my libido department. Great, even after getting kneed in the groin and stomach, I'm still hard as fuck.

I sigh and decide to take matters into my own hands, pulling myself off, trying to think of the last porno I watched, of any of my old girlfriends…of Neela. Anything but the images of shock, horror and disgust on Sam's face. It takes a while, but soon the goodness comes, and I am once again back to laying on the floor motionless, breathing deeply, trying to enjoy the happy afterglow that was attempting to envelop me, trying to think of a way to fix everything…Sam, my life…what hadn't I fucked up lately?

I slowly drift off to sleep, so lost in thought I barely notice. I know that this wasn't good, and that there was a lot I was going to have to do to make it better…but whatever I had to do, I would do it…I had to. This wasn't making Neela proud, this wasn't getting better this was getting worse, much worse and I deserve more than that.

She deserves more then that.


	5. Chapter 5

Lost

Part 5

When I awoke again, the sun was gleaming through a small crack in the window and right into my eyes. I groan and sit up, scratching my chest and frowning as I realized I had fallen asleep before I could clean myself up and would now probably need yet another shower. Unfortunately, as I began to fully awaken, a shower was the last thing on my mind.

The sudden need for Heroine hit me like a ton of bricks, along with the memory of my actions the previous night. Without even thinking, or remembering my silent pact with myself I get to my feet and make my way over to my dresser, opening the top rawer and fishing out my stash. As quickly as I could, I cooked up all I had left of the Heroine, reminding myself to call my dealer once I had my hit, my resolve to quit vanishing as if it had never happened. Once everything was done, I sit back down on the floor, leaning my back against my bed, sticking my arm with the needle without so much as a second glance. I had done it so many times now I didn't even feel the needle anymore.

I inhale sharply, sigh and close my eyes as the drugs rush into my bloodstream, God it felt so good…I had almost forgotten just how much. As I continue to lie there, basking in the feeling, the rush, I hear a crash from out in my living room. I rise to my feet, removing the needle and tossing it onto my bed before heading out of my room, immediately wishing I hadn't.

First of all, my entire apartment was completely spotless. Although, that part was only noticeable for a split second, my main focus was on the commotion in the middle of my living room. It seems I didn't have to call a band meeting because all the guys were there only, they weren't discussing our future. Instead, they were grouped around a small mass on the floor, a body which now looked like a mass of blond hair and blood. My eyes widen and I rush forward, pushing past my band mates and kneeling at the body's side, turning it over to see the badly bruised and beaten face of Sam Taggart.

"She slipped man." Johnny's voice rang out as I frantically searched for a pulse, and found none. "Didn't she guys?" He added, with the other's mumbling their agreements which I completely ignore for the moment, focusing myself on somehow reviving my friend. All she had done was try to help me, try to bring me back, make me the man Neela had loved and what did I do? I tried to rape her, left her alone and unprotected to be murdered by my so called friends. "Common Sam…" I mutter, starting C.P.R and praying for a miracle, which to my incredible lack of luck does not happen. "Fuck!" I curse out loud, tears beginning to spill from my eyes as I rest my head on her chest, eyes closed.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, followed by more lies from Johnny. "Dude it was just an accident, no need to get all worked up about it." No sooner did the words leave his lips, I snapped, leaping up at him, my hands around his throat, catching him off guard and knocking him over and onto the floor, his head smashing off the coffee table with a loud crack. He goes limp in my arms and I remove my hands from his throat, hearing a small click from behind me. I rise, still fuming, a mixture of adrenaline and the Heroine boiling my blood, causing me to shake slightly as I turn to face my other band mates, one of which was now pointing a gun at my chest.

"What are you gonna do Kenny huh?" I ask, spreading my arms about wide "Shoot me?" I shake my head "That's not really your style is it? Wouldn't you rather beat me to death? Like you did Sam, like I know you did to those other girls…" I look to Jimmy, our final member with a sneer "All of you…the 'missing' groupies….I know what happened to them."

"Shut up man…" Kenny says, gun hand shaking violently. He was afraid, and he knew I could tell. I smile again, taking a step toward him. "I mean it!" he shouts, backing up slightly, gun hand wavering even more as I take another step.

"Do it." I challenge him "You know I don't wanna live anyway, you'd be doing me a favor so just pull the fucking trigger already you fucking pussy!" I move forward again, close enough so that now the barrel of the gun was pushing up against my chest. "Do it Kenny. Fucking kill me Kenny, do it!" I scream at him now, finding myself hoping that he would, praying that this would be the last for me, that I could rest, be with Neela again, at this point, I'd even take burning in hell.

"Ray man…" Kenny stumbles "I don't wanna do this…"

"Yes you do." I counter "If you didn't, we wouldn't have gotten this far now do it."

"Drop the fucking gun and let's just get out of here!" Jimmy chimes in "Cops'll be here any minute!"

"Shut the fuck up Jimmy!" I shout at him without taking my eyes off Kenny. "Common Kenny..." I say, using a soothing tone now. "I'm nothing but a pain in the ass; always pissing and moaning about my dead girlfriend…do us both a favor and end it now."

Kenny closes his eyes and pulls the trigger, a soft click is heard, but nothing happens. I grab the gun from his hands angrily, opening the clip to find it completely empty. I look back to him and shake my head. "Fucking idiot…" I mumble "All that bullshit and you didn't even have the balls to put bullets in the fucking thing?"

Sirens sound from outside, I glance to the open window just as two cop cars come blazing in. I growl and in one swift movement, turn back and clock Kenny on the side of the head with the gun, then turn to Jimmy who is frozen in place. "If you were any kind of man, you will tell them what REALLY happened." I say before moving to my kitchen and yanking open a drawer, which falls to the ground. "Fuck!" I curse loudly, kneeling down and fishing through the junk to remove a magazine clip. I rise again and run to the window not facing where the cops were coming in, opening it and jumping out onto the fire escape, sneaking my way down to the ground and off into the shadows in the alley. Off in the distance I can hear the police shouting at poor Jimmy to get down on the ground, but I ignore them, not feeling one bit guilty for leaving him behind. I had other things to worry about.

Once I was far enough away, I stop running and duck into another small alleyway, leaning against the cool brick and closing my eyes. What the fuck had I done? Sam…she was with Neela now, the only two people who had ever tried to save me and they were gone…made me realize there was no help for me.

I knew what I had to do now, and exactly where to go to do it. I take a deep breath and slide the magazine into the gun with a loud click, then shoving it in my pocket along with my hands; I step out of the alley and make my way to the destination.

All this would end tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

"Ray where are you going?"

Her voice rings out into the darkness as I move through the shadows of the park, and I do my best to ignore her.

"Ray, I'm speaking to you." She says, anger rising in her voice, a sound I used to find adorable, but right now was finding incredibly annoying, especially since she wasn't really there. "Ray.." she repeats my name again, before appearing in front of me, making it seem like she had come from behind me and cut me off, but I knew better.

Despite the fact I knew I could probably just walk right through her, I stop and give her the best 'annoyed' look I could possibly muster. "Neela you are not real. You died I know I was there I saw it happen so just do me a favor and go fucking haunt someone else."

I go around her, again ignoring the fact that I could probably just walk through her, and she follows, being just as persistent and stubborn as when she was alive. I stop dead in my tracks, determined to make her go away so I could do what I had to and get this all over with once and for all.

She passes through me and I inhale sharply, an odd tingling sensation enveloping me and for a brief second, my eyes closed and I felt peace.

"You cannot do this." She exclaims "It's not what I want for you Ray. I want you to be happy, to go on living please do this for me."

My eyes open and I can read the pain on her face, the face and the pain that I know full well isn't really there, it can't be. Neela was dead, I was there when it happened, I held her body in my arms, I felt her heartbeat slow….

My sadness returns in tenfold, along with the desire to end all of this now, to make it all stop, to get her out of my head for good, to be with her again. "I'm sorry Neela." I whisper, tears falling down my cheeks now. "I have to make it stop." I move forward, walking through her but remaining solid, emotionless enough that the peaceful feeling doesn't get to me this time, doesn't take away my focus.

She went away after that, maybe Neela didn't want to be present to witness my demise, as I had hers. After a few more blocks, I had arrived at my destination, the cool night air hitting my face, drying the tears that still settled there. I walk into the parking lot and look around. Everything was so still, silent as the grave I was about to make myself, memories of that night repeating over and over in my mind as I kneel on the pavement and stare down at the spot where she fell, the spot where I held her until no more breath passed between her lips.

Eyes still on the spot, I remove the gun from my pocket and raise it slowly to my head, the tears returning now as the images and sounds of that night continued to play like a movie put on repeat in my brain.

"_Ray…I…I love…you. I'm...sorry I never got…you never got…"_

"I'm coming Neela…" I whisper into the darkness, eyes closing, and finger pulling back on the trigger ever so slightly….

A noise from a nearby Alleyway snapped me out of my trance. My eyes open and I lower the gun. A group of three street punks exit the alley and immediately I recognize them, there was no way I would ever forgot those faces. Maybe this was what it had been about all along? In order to get the peace I craved, I had to end it, not by killing myself, but by making sure no one else would suffer the same loss I had.

I rise from my knees to stand now, mind focused on a new task. I take my aim and fire, punk number one goes down hard, lying unmoving on the pavement as my Neela had. The others curse into the darkness, and I manage to drop punk number two with another shot before the remaining spots me. He was the ringleader of the group, the one that had laughed as he beat Neela to death while the other two held me down on the pavement. I keep the gun raised, but I do not fire on him, instead I wait for him to come to me, his own gun raised into my face now.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He demands as he rushes over to me "Those were my boys you just wasted; you think you can just get away with that? Think again."

A small smile plays on my lips as he speaks. I wasn't afraid of him, may have been at one point in my life but now, at this moment, I wasn't afraid of anything. "Well way I see it…" I reply "You wasted my girl and didn't even think twice, now it's my turn to waste you." My gun clicks as I ready it to fire once more, the punk doesn't even flinch, but I can see the fear hiding behind his eyes.

"Oh, I remember you." He says, a confident, calm attitude once again overtaking him, he didn't think I would do it. "The terrorist lover. Sad that your little girlfriend's dead?" he makes a kissy face at me and my eyes darken further. "I remember that night, some of the most fun I've ever had." He smirks again, mischief in his eyes, I still do not waver. "My only regret is that I didn't get to have a bita something something before I killed that bitch." He finishes, and that was enough for me.

I pull the trigger quickly, and he barely has time to do the same before the bullet connects with his head, sending him to the ground, and to hell with his two associates. I can feel a sting in my 

chest and I look down, only to see a mass of blood leaking out of my stomach. I was beginning to feel woozy now; the blood was pumping so fast….

I fall to the ground, in the same spot she had fallen months earlier, lying on my stomach my eyes begin to droop closed. I can hear sirens, but they sound as if they are a million miles away. Things begin to blur so I shut my eyes, relaxing into the cool asphalt, the feeling of peace that had gone through me earlier when Neela had returning. It was finished now, I could rest…

I could be with her again.


	7. Chapter 7

The blackness swirled around me, memories floating around me like I was in a room full of televisions all playing different parts of the story of my life. Memories first bikes, first crushes birthday parties my family...and then came the memories I treasured even more then those, memories of celebrity poker and slasher flicks. Late nights at the hospital, coffee stains on shirts and missing cereal. Memories of a first kiss on a cold winter night, of love lost and found again. They haunted me, circled me and try as I might to get away, I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. I had no body, no existence I was just there, a shadow moving through space and time with no particular destination.

Was I dead? Or was this just another trippy dream brought on by hallucinogenic drugs? Maybe that's all any of this was, not just the past few weeks of insanity I had been through, hurting friends, killing people, pumping all that junk through my system, but everything before that. I was known to experiment with things sometimes when I was feeling good after an awesome show, maybe I took the wrong thing and this has all just been some giant nightmare. Neela is alive and I am our apartment, with her taking care of me as I sleep it off. No thugs, no beatings just me making another stupid decision.

The more I thought about it, the more I began to convince myself that it was true, but there was always a tiny voice in the back of my mind that told me what had happened was too real to just be in my head, that Neela's screams for help hadn't just been make-believe.

"Ray…" I hear a voice –her voice- echo through the darkness. It was low, a quiet whisper and there was sadness there, worry. "Ray please if you can hear me, follow my voice, and come to me."

"Neela…" I call out, my voice ringing through the darkness, echoing through the black. "Neela I'm trying, I tried I…" I stop, realizing how ridiculous I was being. She couldn't hear me, not where I was, no one could.

"Please come back to me." Her voice sounds again, this time I can hear the tears drowning all the words. She sounded like she was in a great deal of pain, and I wished with everything I had that I could get to her, find her, hold her and make it all better.

Suddenly, the blackness began to fade into shades of grey, starting out dark and lightening slowly, softly…

My eyes open swiftly and I can feel that I am no longer just a floating spirit. Everything hurt, like I had seven large tanker trucks full of cement fall on me all at once. I tried to move, to get up in an attempt to find Neela, but I found myself still unable to move anything beyond a finger or two. Confused, I frown and try to concentrate on moving my entire hand, and after a few tries, I manage to lift it in the air for a few seconds before it drops back down, on top of something soft, familiar. I raise my eyes from my hand only to see the shock of my life, sitting next to me, eyes downcast, and tears falling down those perfect cheeks.

"Neela…" I say, my voice coming out more of a low mumble then my usual one, it sounded odd, and only caused the confusion to grow.

Her head shoots up when she hears it however despite the weirdness, her eyes light up when she sees me, a smile replacing the sad frown that had darkened her features.

"Hey!" she says softly, the tears still flowing down her cheeks, but I suspected it was for a different reason this time. I let a small grunt out as a reply, unable to form what I wanted to say, and she leans over me, taking me in her arms and hugging me softly, sobbing into my shoulder.

"Neela…" I manage to get out again, swallowing and taking a breath, pacing myself to coax the rest out without having it turn into another series of grunts. "What…where am I?"

She pulls away, sniffling deep and wiping the tears from her face. "You're at County." She replies "Do you remember what happened?"

I find myself even more confused now. I was at county? I survived that bullet to the chest? But why was she here with me, me surviving that shot wouldn't bring her back from the dead. "You…your…dead." I manage to reply.

Her brow furrows as she borrows my confusion. She shakes her head softly, hair falling into her face how I wished I could reach up and brush it aside. She looks down, clears her throat and then looks up again, pushing her hair back behind her ear. I can see the small remnants of a scar running across her cheek now, and a flash memory of the gangbanger's foot connecting with her face and breaking her cheekbone jumps into my head.

"No." She replies finally after what felt like hours of me just staring at her, fixated on the small scar. 'I'm alive, thanks to your bravery…" She grabs for my hand, taking it in hers before lifting it to her lips and kissing it softly. 'You stood up for me, you managed to fight them off and get me back here before you passed out…"

More memories flash into my head. Me breaking free from the two that held me, knocking them over onto the ground…there was a fight…I pulled the lead gangbanger off of Neela I hit him and he…

My delusions had been right; it had all been a strange dream. Neela hadn't died I saved her…I saved her.

The door to my room opens and another face I thought I would never see again enters the room, her soft brown eyes filled with sadness and remorse. "How is he…" she asks Neela softly, doing all she could to avoid looking my way.

Neela smiles at her, looking to me, and then back to her. "He's awake." She says happiness filling her voice, causing me to also smile, my hand twitching slightly, still entwined with hers.

Sam rushes to the bed, stopping when she saw me, she looked like she was about to cry as Neela had. "Welcome back." She says softly "You gave us quite the scare…"

"Sam…" I say softly, the memory of her broken lifeless body lying on the floor of my apartment floating into my head, along with the kiss we shared, the kindness she had done for me despite what I had nearly done to her. "It's good to see you…." I add

She smiles softly and nods. "Likewise Ray for sure…"

Neela makes a small noise like she is trying to clear her throat, causing Sam to look over at her and smile again. She nods and rises "I should get back to work." she says "Let everyone know the good news…I'll be back later to check in."

She leaves quickly, but I barely notice, my eyes are once again focused back on her, and hers on mine. Tears form and begin to streak down her cheeks, causing my heart to break in my chest. I bring my free hand up to wipe the tears away. "Why are you crying?" I asked softly "I'm all right Neela…everything is all right now..."

"I thought I had lost you…" she says softly through her tears

"You will never lose me." I reply with a small smile, rubbing my thumb lightly across her cheek. "I was lost for a while but I came back to you…you brought me back."

She leans down and pulls me into a soft hug, burying her face into my neck, muffling her sobs slightly. I return her embrace for a few minutes before pulling away slightly to once again look her in the face. With a hand I softly brush the hair from her face, wipe a tear from her cheek before leaning in to kiss her with everything ounce of strength I could muster, something which she eagerly returned.

When our lips finally part, I scoot over in the bed, giving her a smile and motioning for her to join me. She laughs and glances around before climbing into the bed with me, wrapping her arms around me, which I mimic instantly. She snuggles into my chest and sighs heavily; I smile again and begin to stroke her hair softly.

"I love you…" I whisper, kissing the top of her head lightly before snuggling into her hair. My heart beating rapidly in my chest, not only because I was actually holding Neela in my arms, she was alive and well…this was the first time I had ever spoken this out loud.

Without even a second's breath, she smiles and replies. "I love you too Ray…" she moves to look up at me, a sweet smile plastered on her face.

I lean down and kiss her softly, savoring the moment, the entire dream, her death, the drugs, the violence all washing away, slipping to a place in my head where they would never resurfaced, replaced quickly with thoughts about what would happen now, what we would do next….

Now that I had Neela, my whole life stood before me, there wasn't anything I couldn't do, couldn't achieve. For the first time in my life, I felt perfectly happy.

The End.


End file.
